Why Your Social Life is Unfulfilling

During the pandemic, I was isolated, introverted and lonely. 

So when college started, I decided to change that. 

I taught myself to become a listener. I became aware of social cues. I recited friendly conversational patterns. I listened to every YouTube advice that was out there.

At first, it seemed like it worked. I made more friends than I ever had before. 

But eventually, I realized it was a band-aid solution. I felt even more lost, drained from investing so much time into people that didn't seem to matter.

I blamed my surroundings at first—maybe it was the campus or the type of people. But after switching colleges and landing in the same situation, I realized it wasn’t them. It was me. 

I wasn’t filtering people enough. I didn’t have standards for the relationships I was forming.

That’s when I learned: just as we set standards for our life, career, and goals, we need to have standards for our friendships. Without them, we’re left feeling hollow.

Many of us fall into relationships where we’re the ones being chosen, instead of doing the choosing. We become passengers in our social lives instead of drivers, stuck in a cycle of shallow connections that lead nowhere.

Those who recognize the problem often retreat into introversion, thinking it’s safer to be alone than to deal with shallow, draining interactions. 

Those who don’t recognize it continue to sink time into relationships without boundaries, not realizing the toll it takes on their self-worth.

The result? 

We feel powerless and disconnected. We feel like we’re constantly searching for the ideal friends or romantic partners but can’t seem to find them. The core issue isn’t whether we’re introverted or extroverted—it’s how we filter and define the relationships in our lives.

This is the essence of building self-respect. This is the key to solving our social problems. Self-respect starts with understanding your own value and using that to set boundaries. It’s these boundaries that help filter out relationships that drain you or don’t align with to create depth.

[   Self-respect → boundaries → depth   ]

Self-respect is the root of all interpersonal problems. When you don’t believe you’re valuable enough, you end up defining yourself based on societal labels like “introvert” or “extrovert.” You either avoid connections because you assume people are the problem, or you chase shallow interactions, ignoring your inner worth.

- You don’t think you’re valuable enough for people, so you label yourself an introvert and shy away.

- You don’t find real and deep connection, so you assume the people around you are at fault, locking yourself away from one of the greatest catalysts for growth: meaningful human relationships

- You don’t value your time, so you give it freely to others, allowing them to pull you in directions that don’t align with your future vision.

Self-respect isn’t just about how you treat yourself in isolation. It’s about how you interact with the world, and more importantly, how you choose who you interact with. 

Think of it this way:

self-concept = quantity of people × depth²

We need people around us to help reinforce our self-concept—how we see ourselves. But more importantly, it’s the depth of our connection that pressure-tests our self-respect and shapes our identity. There is more weight on the depth. 

Shallow connections might bring momentary pleasures and relief, but only meaningful  relationships with those who share our visions and virtues is what  push us to grow and truly define who we are.  

Let's delve into this framework. 

The Big Problem — Society Dosen’t Value Depth

We are becoming more isolated than ever. Statistics show that people have fewer close friends than in previous decades, and more people are reporting feelings of loneliness and dissatisfaction with their social lives. 

It’s easy to blame dating apps and social media for shallow connections but i’m not here to rant about that. The issue is deeper than just technology.

Despite being aware of this problem, many of us simply accept it as the new norm. 

The first step to solving this problem isn’t seeking new relationships or retreating into introversion. It’s about becoming self-reliant and developing self-respect—recognizing our own value and setting boundaries to cultivate deeper, more fulfilling relationships.

1. Self-Respect: Lack of True Self-Awareness

We lack standards for ourselves. We cheapen our time, letting others decide what’s fun or important at the cost of our own vision. 

You’ve likely been in situations where you let someone else dictate your priorities—maybe it was a late night of drinking or gaming when you knew you should’ve been working on that life project, that lifestyle that truly matters to you. 

They call it “living in the moment"  but deep down, you feel the guilt. The future you’re sacrificing is staring back at you, and you know it. 

They call it "taking a break," but is that really a break? While rest is vital for long-term productivity, indulging in cheap dopamine hits isn’t rest. It’s distraction. 

It’s easy to sell off your potential for cheap dopamine hits—scrolling endlessly, doing what feels good now. But that’s not self-respect. That’s killing time and energy because you don’t value them. 

We seek approval by molding ourselves to fit in or meet societal expectations. When you lack standards, you’re easily swayed by societal expectations. You end up seeking approval by molding yourself to fit in, by doing what others consider fun or worthwhile. 

But in the process, you lose touch with who you really are and what you stand for. If you stand for nothing, you will amount to nothing. 

Self-respect begins with self-awareness—understanding your intrinsic value and being adamant about your vision, regardless of external pressures. It means recognizing your worth without needing validation from others. It means knowing what actions aligns the best for your future.

You need a clear vision of your future and what you value. You must establish personal standards based on your own principles, not those imposed by others. 

By defining your principles and vision you start recognizing your worth without needing others’ approval. This requires you to build clarity in your visions and set personal standards based on your values.

Therefore, it is crucial to start building that version of yourself. Reinvent and Reinvest in Yourself.

You can’t attract the right people if you haven’t developed yourself. Give up your old identity in pursuit of your ideal. Invest in new skills that will build value towards your vision. 

The more you focus on your own growth, the more aligned individuals you’ll attract. 

Remember, the social world is a mirror—your relationships reflect your own level of self-respect and self-awareness. 

Desperate people attracts desperate people. Vice versa.

So begin to ask yourself and write this down: 

Do you have a vision you’re committed to? 

How do you want to feel everyday? Look everyday?

Do you have an ideal life style to actualize dream self in 1 year? 5 years? 

Are your current routines and habits designed to actualize this outcome? 

What are you not willing to give up? What do you want to avoid?

Clarify these, and let them be the guiding principles to your daily actions.

2. Boundaries: Fear of Polarizing Others

People are afraid to set rules and boundaries because society equates boundaries with being selfish or rude. People are afraid of saying no, from distancing from people, and expressing their own needs.

However, this fear of offending or being disliked keeps people from drawing clear lines. Without boundaries, you allow others to drain your time and energy, leaving you overwhelmed, resentful, and burned out. 

When you fail to set boundaries, you degrade yourself into becoming the inoffensive robot—the person who everyone is “chill” with, but who has no strong opinions. 

In other words, you become a NPC—a nonplayable background character in your own life, having no power over your life trajectory. You follow instead of leading.

This is what is means to polarize, to make people take a side because of who you are. 

When we assert strong opinions, values, and boundaries, we attract like-minded people while filtering out those incompatible with us. This process clarifies our self-image and reinforces self-respect.  

People pleasers often get walked over because they don’t assert their boundaries. They feel a loss in power over themselves in the face of others projections onto them. 

Without boundaries, people force their problems onto you. They force their boredom and incompatible vision. They project onto you their goals. But recall, their goal and your goal is different.

Boundaries is the gatekeeper what you stand for. You’ll naturally polarize people, pushing away those who don’t align with your values and attracting those who do.

Now does polarizing mean being an asshole? No, it means holding firm to your values and preferences. You agree to disagree without sacrificing you. Boundaries aren’t about pushing people away but about protecting your well-being. They allow you to engage in relationships on your terms, ensuring that the people around you respect your time, energy, and values.

Remember, this isn’t a game of trying to impress others. Building boundaries is a game of compatibility. Building strong boundaries means you invite people into your life on your own terms.

Ask yourself: When was the last time you expected a friend or potential partner to impress you? 

If you focus too much on impressing others, you forget that you are also part of the equation. If that's the case, you haven't built up value in your own life to care more about yourself and should revisit the self-respect part of this article.

By now, you should have thought about what actions you need to take to support your goals. The next step is to enforce it.

Communicate your boundaries. Say no. And be willing to distance yourself or cut people off if needed.  

No need to guilt yourself about it. No one is more important than you. 

3. Depth: Shallow Social Norms and Instant Gratification

Society hasn’t conditioned us to prioritize depth over superficial approval. We now prioritize surface-level interactions (think small talk, social media scrolling, and casual acquaintances), depth is often sacrificed for convenience. 

People prefer quick, superficial connections that require minimal effort rather than investing in meaningful relationships. This leads to emotional emptiness and a lack of fulfilling social interactions. 

People are afraid of asking deeper questions about future goals and visions.

They hang onto materialistic small talk and gossip. They come together everyday to kill time on the same shit over and over with disregard to their vision.

Most of friends are there out of proximity, in high school, in college, in your workplace. But just because they physical close does not mean they align with you.

Remember, we need Depth to understand if we are compatible. How do we know if a person is right for you without digging deeper? 

Depth requires vulnerability, honesty, and time. Building meaningful relationships involves sharing your true self and encouraging others to do the same. It’s about having fewer but deeper connections, where mutual respect, trust, and shared values form the foundation. 

After every successive interaction with anyone, I make a mental habit to drive the conversation one level deeper.

I like to think forming connections through the +1 Depth Framework. It helps you evaluate each relationship on a spectrum from superficial to deep. Not every connection needs to be intense, but you should prioritize depth where it matters. 

 Chill <————> Intimate 

The first level is small talk. Some banter. Then as the other person reciprocates that same level, you go a level deeper and see if they reciprocate. You start asking opinions, then express stronger sentiments about values and beliefs. Your hates and likes. Until you can discuss what both parties seek out of the relationship.

The goal is to invest more time in those who energize and inspire you, and pull back from those who drain your energy or no longer align with your values.

You don’t need to cut everyone off. Instead, recalibrate your social circle based on alignment and mutual growth and allocate the appropriate amount of energy. Relationships should elevate you—not hold you back 

Be willing to be direct about. Ask about how people feel, what their motives are, their visions and virtues because this is where depth is buried. 

As you move from shallow, surface-level connections to deeper, more meaningful ones, allow only those who are aligned with your values to occupy a more significant place in your life.

III. Expansion

Build Your Online Brand: Attract Like-Minded People by Polarizing

As of writing this, I’m a college senior. I still attend social events in college and have made a few very close friends. But the more I think about it, the more I realize how overrated college can be in forming deep, lasting connections. A lot of people, myself included, face a common fear as graduation approaches: 

How do you filter people out if there is no people around you in the first place? Of course you start by investing in yourself. But how do you meet people from there?

As mentioned earlier, most of us bound our relationships with those in proximity. If you only meet people within the scope of your current physical environment, like your campus or work place, you’ll likely encounter the same limited perspectives, the same types of conversations, and very minimal change.

The key to expanding your network and finding deeper connections is to go beyond the physical limits of your environment.

In today’s digital age, the internet is one of the most powerful tools for connecting with like-minded individuals.

In the digital age, the internet is one of the most powerful tools to attract like-minded individuals. 

Building an online brand around your beliefs and vision allows you to attract the right people from the massive amounts of users. It provides the platform to express yourself authentically beyond the constraints of your environment. 

And it also serves as a natural filter.  When you hold strong, polarizing beliefs (held loosely of course), you’ll repel those who don’t align with your vision and attract those who resonate with it. This is the key to building a network of like-minded individuals who share your values and goals. 

This is one of the main reasons why I started this newsletter and my YouTube Channel. 

Start by creating content that reflects your values, ideas, and beliefs. Don’t be afraid to polarize—you don’t need to appeal to everyone. Build your skills, share your findings, and let your audience find you.

Think of this process as an online journal. You write to share advice to your past and future self. You write to synthesis your experiences, research, and knowledge accumulated. Not only do you grow and self-discover by teaching, but you attract people who share the same struggles and values as you.

The internet is a magnet for people who share similar values, beliefs, and goals. Building a personal brand around you allows you to filter out those who don’t align. All the while attracting a community of supportive, like-minded individuals. 

This can translate into not just deep relationships, but leverage for business opportunities, collaborations, and growth.

This is key in a society that doesn’t promote depth in relationships or alignment with personal values. The digital world allows you to create that environment.

Takeaways and the Value of Depth 

Friendships are a lifetime variable that should evolve with every stage of life. By prioritizing depth and polarizing those who don’t align, you’ll create a social circle that elevates you. 

The key to developing self-respect is defining how others interact with you—those who respect your boundaries will remain, and those who don’t will fade away. 

You build value in yourself, and seek that same value in others.

Remember, enjoying the moment doesn’t mean killing time. Time is your currency, and it should be invested wisely in people who align with you. 

Have standards for your life. Have standards for others.

- AL